C is for CLARITY

Back in February, Nate and I went on a beach getaway to Mexico. It was supposed to be a celebration trip, but in the end, what we were celebrating had been delayed… yet again. We had already paid for the trip in full, blocked the time off and since we really needed a break, we went anyway. It was bittersweet being at our celebration place with heavy, pained hearts, longing for something to celebrate.

When it comes to beaches & oceans, Nate’s favourite thing to do is spearfishing. Mine is to enjoy it safely from the sand. We are quite the opposites. While near the water, I enjoy walking along the shoreline every morning, praying as I walk.

(Pic taken from my morning walk)

I remember one morning particularly well. I was staring out at the great big ocean, praying my “answer” would roll in with the next wave. Back under the shade of a palm, I continued on in my book Simply Tuesday, by Emily P. Freeman and I came to the painful realization that my desire for clarity had become an idol in my life. The reality of this stung more than salt water in an open wound. This realization still haunts me.

Without going into full detail, Nate and I have been waiting for resolution on something big for several years now. The waiting is painful. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. And every day, its memory causes my heart to skip a few beats and I gasp for air as if I’ve been sucker punched. Sometimes I think, “if I just knew why we are going through this, why God would allow it, & that relief is near, I would be okay with this pain and confusion.”

Freeman’s writing made me realize that my desire for clarity was really a desire for control (but doesn’t “clarity” sound nicer?!).

I was challenged to my very core. If I had clarity – if I was really sure there was a reason for everything and what it was, would I need faith to help me wait it out? If I had clarity in every decision, would I require faith? What do I long for more – clarity or Emmanuel, God with me?

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Each day, I am challenged by the realization that clarity has become my idol – what I often desire most. I am grateful that I am awakened to my natural desire to place clarity before all things. And each day, I must choose what I desire more - clarity (in my own little mind) or God and all His fullness.

By the way – you must read Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman. For my full book review, check out my earlier post under Good Reads.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

Song choice:

Trust In You, Lauren Daigle